Vietnam was all right. No problem. So was the covert war in Nicaragua and El Salvador. Ditto for Iraq I and II and Afghanistan. All necessary and proper and good. Lives destroyed? Who cares?
The US government’s possession of weapons and their use? Well, of course they needed all those weapons. How else could the wars be fought?
Guns in hands of government are a completely different issue than guns in the hands of citizens. You do see that, don’t you? Government knows what to do with guns. Kill people. Lots of people. Citizens with guns are clueless and have to be dealt with.
US-government 24/7 surveillance of every US citizen? Again, no problem. No indication of bad intent at all. It’s just protection against terrorism.
So you see, the whole rationale for the 2nd Amendment—that Americans need to protect themselves against a tyrannical central government—goes right out the window.
That was easy.
And in case you’re wondering why our commander-in-chief doesn’t pinpoint the areas of the country where the major gun violence is taking place, since he wants to reduce that violence, it’s because he doesn’t wish to offend anyone. He’s merely being polite. An admirable quality.
Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.
Now, recently we’ve seen children suspended and expelled from school, and we’ve seen a school lockdown or two, because of the presence of a Nerf gun or a gun made out of fingers or the word “pow.” This makes perfect sense.
We all know imaginary guns are the gateway drug to real guns and real guns are a guarantee of death. So nip the situation in the bud. Eliminate all thoughts of guns. Slap the fingers of the finger guns.
This program of taking away imaginary guns proves our government is mentally acute. Another sign we can trust them and ignore the core purpose of the 2nd Amendment.
This next point is so heinous I hesitate to bring it up. But I must. It’s been suggested that if the federal government mandates all its vaccines for every citizen, and eliminates all exemptions, people will need to defend themselves and their families against government agents showing up at their homes with guns and syringes.
Preposterous, because no one has the right to his own body. You have no right to say what the government should put in your body. The government is allied with science, and science knows best.
So when the government says “take this vaccine,” you say “how many times?”
It’s simple. Fear not.
And when, up the road, you or your children find out Obamacare is really designed to exclude alternative/natural choices, and you have to take the drugs government doctors are prescribing, don’t sweat it.
Those natural alternatives are all hocus pocus and voodoo. The real cures are pharmaceuticals. The government is looking out for you. You won’t need a gun to fend off a government employee. He’s highly educated. He knows drugs.
You can only doubt the intentions of government if you’re paranoid. That’s a mental disorder, and it automatically disqualifies you from owning a weapon. So you’re good there. Just get treatment.
As everybody understands, this government has been bought and sold so many times it’s gone broke. But that’s just something that happens in business. Nothing to get bothered about. There’ll be new money, and you’ll get your share. Taxes might be higher, but so what? You’re paying for protection. If you need to understand that concept, just watch Godfather 1 again: shop owners were smart enough to realize owning a gun wouldn’t be a good move against four goombahs coming through the door to collect their cut every week.
Have you noticed the trend toward micro apartments? It’s wonderful. People in cities are moving into 200-ft.-square residences in new buildings. You can turn around twice in these places. That’s plenty.
The agenda involves crowding more people into cities, so they can be controlled more easily, because out in the country, they get strange ideas. You don’t want strange ideas floating around in your head. So don’t go pretending the government has some sinister plan. It’s just straight control.
After all, what do you expect the agenda of a government to be, when it has to rule 300 million people all at once? Freedom? Please. That’s laughable.
And if you’re under control, what need do you have for a gun? You’re already in thrall, just where you want to be.
If the government is taking care of you (and it is), are you going to draw your gun? That would be just plain crazy.
On the other hand, government officials, celebrities, and rich people do need protection. There are all sorts of crazies out there. So let the elites have guns and armed security guards. They need them. You don’t. They don’t want guns, it’s just something they have to put up with. If Diane Feinstein whacks some whacko, more power to her.
Now we come to black and Latino people who live in high-crime areas. We hear several pernicious myths about their circumstances. One, the police in those neighborhoods practice illegal brutality. Two, the police don’t bother entering the neighborhoods at all. And three, the streets aren’t safe, because gangs are everywhere.
The myths are obviously absurd. The residents of these areas only need to have a well-shielded bulletproof room in their homes, in case some drug addict breaks in. Call the police, hunker down in the safe room for a few hours, and things will be taken care of. What’s the problem?
In schools, the chances are slim anything untoward will happen. Teachers certainly don’t need guns. They just need training in communication skills, so they can talk a shooter down, if he ever shows up.
Ditto for churches, parks, and athletic fields.
Relax and just let things happen. Go with the flow.
It’s like chemo. Let me explain. Everybody knows that chemo causes cancer and wrecks the immune system. And then you die. But if you die, it was your time. Your number came up.
So it is on the street, in a church, or a park. If a shooter enters the scene and blows a few dozen people away, it was fate. It was meant to be. The idea that people in a park would be armed and able to put down a killer is, well, frightening. Suppose they shoot themselves instead, or hurt an animal? That would create a sense of panic.
Whereas, we know a mass killer is there to kill people. So when that happens, it’s just part of the weave of life.
I think I’ve covered enough bases to make you see you don’t need a gun. Nobody does. We all have our roles. Policemen protect you, killers kill you, and you steadfastly remain calm. And unarmed.
If you have to hunt or shoot skeet, use a bow and arrow, or a rubber band and a paper clip.
Listen, if you’re a schmuck, be a schmuck. Right?
If you need something to do, watch the latest government war on television. Just knowing a war is going on should give you sufficient vicarious pleasure. Somewhere, people are killing and people are dying. But you’re at peace.
And if you have any leftover anxiety you just can’t quell with drugs, take heart. Scientists are studying the DNA of Adam Lanza. When they discover the genetic flaw that caused him to commit mass murder, the government will be able to institute a universal program to alter the population.
In other words, violence won’t be an option anymore. No one will feel the urge to kill or do harm. Isn’t that what we want?
Whoever answers no to that question is surely deranged and should be forced to undergo the genetic change immediately.
Can you picture the near future? People all over America out for a stroll, moving through any and all neighborhoods without fear of danger. People everywhere smiling and saying, “Howdy, neighbor!” “Howdy neighbor!”
Who could possibly be against that?