3/23/2014, 9:10 am
As a high-ranking Party member, I was proud to place the Don’t Tread On My Obamacare bumpersticker on the back of my hybrid Pinkiemobile. I’m always proud to stand up in defense of my government entitlements and all that my government does for me!
But then something horrible happened as I drove downtown to pick up my government check. I glanced up from my texting to see a Prius with a Coexist bumpersticker passing me. All of its occupants gave me the finger and cussed me out!
At first I thought they objected to my texting while driving—but I had to post my current status to Facebook before it was no longer current. But then I thought I heard one of the Prius occupants say something really offensive to me. I yanked my MP3 earbuds out of my ears and rolled down my window. “What did you say?”
“Teabagger!” they all chorused. “You have one of those teabagger bumpstickers on your car! You’re one of those tea-rroists! Bomb-thrower! Hostage-taker! Hater! Denier!”
“No, that bumpersticker isn’t what you think at all!” I cried. “If you only took a closer look at it—” I couldn’t believe I was saying that. Take a closer look at something? That’s like reading a bill before it’s passed to see what’s in it. Or even vetting a Party candidate’s background or qualifications. Now even I was starting to have doubts about my shiny new bumpersticker. Sure it poked fun at those idiot teabagger extremists—but because of its resemblance to their own stupid agitprop, I was being mistaken for one of them by several of my own!
Even as I had that dreadful epiphany, the Prius occupants proceeded to mistake me for a conservative woman: “You’re nothing but a slut! Bitch! C*nt!”
At least they didn’t call me bossy. I might’ve had to make a U-turn right there and go back home where I would spend the rest of the day, if not my life, curled up at the bottom of my parents’ dark basement crying over the loss of my self-esteem and the prospect of ever amounting to anything and thinking I might as well be dead as be bossy.
But I couldn’t make a U-turn because they were in the left-hand lane. I thought of making a U-turn to the right except that would require me to turn—well, right—and that might provoke them even more, not to mention the fact that on my right was a ditch.
But even as I had that thought, they rammed their Prius into my Pinkiemobile, driving me right into—yep, you guessed it—that ditch!
“Reichwinger!” they yelled as their Prius rolled after me. “Just like a teabagging Rethuglican—into the ditch and you take everyone with you!”
Eventually they realized their mistake, and they’ve joined me in a class action lawsuit against the Tea Party since their stupid Gadsden Flag and threats to tread on my Obamacare is what caused this. As for injuries sustained when we went into the ditch, all I can say is at least we’re all signed up for Obamacare.